Category Archives: Stuff best left unseen

Divine Design

“When it comes to decor,” Gigi sniffed, “elegance is paramount.” (Round Rock, TX) Advertisements

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Wheel of Fortune

Or something. (Phoenix, AZ)

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Ugly simplicity

“I’m going for a homeless camp vibe with a self-destructive flair,” Marta said, tattooing her forearm with a rusty needle while her horrified mother downed a fifth of scotch right there in the bathroom. (Elgin, TX)

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These are a few of my favorite things

Green carpet. Green carpeted chair. Lady in the mirror. Purple towels in the foreground. Toothbrushes in the cup. Hot pink hairdryer. Toiletry covered sink. (Lockhart, TX)

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Unrealistic dreams

“It’s cosmetic!” Mary said to her clients with a big smile, secretly hoping the Board of Realtors didn’t strike her down with a long-range taser. “Nothing a little paint can’t fix!” (Peoria, Illinois)

Posted in Bewildering, Stuff best left unseen | 1 Comment

Olympic folding

I spent 3 years and 14 days at the Gap learning how to fold shit, Marta thought, her wild eyes darting across the piles of laundry. I will not be denied my time to shine. (Oklahoma City)

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The Showers of Cell Block D

Harvey made sure he never dropped the soap. (Peoria, Illinois)

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Inside out

It’s the latest thing in lawn decor. (Des Moines, Iowa)

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Special Request

Kaden would like you to know that he is available for kidnapping weekdays between the hours of 7 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. in Peoria, Illinois. He enjoys alligators and neutral colors punctuated with splashes of green and blue, in case you … Continue reading

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Welcome to the future

When you get old, many bad things will happen. First off, you will have to pee in your bedroom. You will have to sit in your shower. You will take many pills. You will make terrible fashion choices. And basically, you will … Continue reading

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